What it takes; Sequel

 

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After the post on  What it takes, I proceeded to ask few unmarried men their views or convictions on what it takes for a man to make a woman his wife as promised in the post. The views expressed here were either typed and sent to me via social media or recorded and sent to me to be translated into writing. These are views of unmarried christian men and it is posted here with their full permission and awareness.

View 1:

“Almost every person is influenced by Society and their environment both man and woman… let me use myself as example, before I came to know the Lord, my ideal wife was;

1) A gorgeous woman that will sexually satisfy me

2). A woman that my friends and family will approve off. But now that I’m a Christian my ideal wife is a woman who seeks to be like Jesus day in and day out just like I do in spite of outward appearance and what friends and family thinks. And I have come to this conclusion because of the teachings of the bible”.

View 2

“First and foremost, I’d want the LORD’S blessing. The second thing is the endorsement of leaders, parents and family; people who I allow to speak into my life. I wouldn’t like to run into this decision because of passion, but would rather exercise patience and allow the LORD to direct me.

I believe this can be likened to a father wanting good wife for his son;he presents her to him and ask him about her.In the same way, God will present her to me and say son; what do you think? Hence, as Paul said in  2 Corinthians 5: 16; about knowing or evaluating  people not according to the flesh but the Spirit, I’d like to know her in the Spirit.

I also believe a man should pursue and initiate love and then a woman responds to the love initiation or pursuance. Another thing is the focus should not be on similarity or difference. Rather, someone that I can run the same race  with. I want her to be bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.

In summary, the biggest thing to me is the move of God. I”ll pursue only if God wants me to; like Moses; am not moving if God is not coming with me”.

View 3:

“Major thing for me will be clearance from the LORD. This is something, I  have witnessed in the life of  others; a clearance from the LORD in terms of confirmations. I would seek  confirmation from the LORD by putting several fleeces before the LORD with specific requests for confirmation. Added to this will be talking with the leaders in one’s life and asking for approval.

Finally, the peace from the LORD will be icing on the cake to reassure and confirm that the woman or marriage is God’s will for my life”.

Yes, I know the underlying theme is biased; revolving around God and JESUS Christ. What were you expecting? A christian’s allegiance and loyalty is to the master and savior and LORD JESUS and rightly so, his influence and guidance in all aspects of life. Let me ask you, If you had a very important exam to take and you were informed of someone who had the manual to prep you to pass the exam, would you not seek him out? Yep, you would! Why then will anyway bypass the God who created man and life to able to “pass” and live life in abundance?

He quoted a proverb: “‘Can a blind man guide a blind man?’ Wouldn’t they both end up in the ditch? An apprentice doesn’t lecture the master. The point is to be careful who you follow as your teacher. (Luke 6:39-40)

What it takes

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Valentine’s Day was celebrated by many last week; both single and married. Some heard the; “Will you marry me?” phrase and ended up engaged to be married! Others have waited in the same relationship for years to hear the question popped, yet another valentine has passed with no ring. Maybe… just maybe he wants to propose on my birthday or  our anniversary. : )

What does it really take for a man to decide or arrive at the conclusion that a woman is to be his wife? I have wondered and rhetorically addressed this question to myself in the past as well. I may not be the first or last to pose this question to self or to others, yet it is worth pondering or asking. As such, I ‘ll be doing a blog post later on the various opinions and answers, single and married men give to this question. (It’ll be interesting, I promise!) For now, let me share a few insights with you.

Many people might without much thought hurriedly try to answer this question. Some might say; when a man finds a decent woman, he will marry her. Question; what is the definition of decent? Is it “well-kept”, “non- whoring”, hardworking etc? If yes, then why are many “decent women” including myself not married? If it really comes down to that definition and school of thought, then many women “over qualify” especially those in churches in their early 20’s to late 40’s who are single and”decent”, so why are they not married???

Another group might answer; when a man finds a good woman, he will marry her. Excuse me! What does that imply? All non married women are not “good”? And what exactly does good mean? Is this supposed definition of good universal or subjective? Fact of the matter is, all these ideologies about why or what it takes for a man to make a woman his wife is quite erroneous of you ask me. Why?

In the first place, when a woman asks this; more often than not, it is from a place of disappointment, betrayal or worse self-pity. Hence the implication that one is “not decent” or “good enough” is both distorted and damaging to the person hood of a woman. It tramples on the self-worth and value of a woman because it literally says; just because you don’t have a ring on your finger, you don’t qualify to be called good or decent.The implication runs further than this, in that; it refutes Genesis 1:31; which says God saw all that he had done and called it good.

It is quite annoying and sad that the image and worth of a woman is associated or linked to her marital status or a piece of metal or stone on her finger. Take a look at this scenario; for the same pair of jeans made of the same quality and material, jean A might cost $100 and the jean B cost $20 mainly because, the $100 has a designer logo stamped on it. Now tell me, is the $100 jeans “better” than the $20 jeans? Did you say, no? Well, exactly my point! The designer or name on the jeans gives the jeans its price tag and “prestige”. Rightly so, the maker of the universe, the LORD GOD Almighty gives every human his/her value; whether single or married. So the value or worth of a woman cannot and is not in her marital status but in creator, God.Your worth is in your designer and not the store.

Your worth is in your designer and not the store  

Added to this, in Genesis 2 :18-25, we find that a man has to see his need for a suitable helper or wife to receive one.

A man has to see his need for a suitable helper or wife to receive one.

So in basic terms, it is not a woman’s responsibility or task to make a man see his need for her but really; a self-awareness of a man as a living being to see his need for a wife.In Verse 22; we realize that the woman was made out of man and then she was brought to him! 😊 If I can take this further, after a man realizes his need for a suitable helper or wife, he also ought to have that which will allow a suitable helper to be drawn out of him. In other words, you can only give of what you have. “When the cloud is full of rain, it pours or empties itself”- Ecclesiastes 11:3.

After a man realizes his need for a suitable helper or wife, he also ought to have that which will allow a suitable helper to be drawn out of him
The best part about this is, it was the creator God himself, who initiated and completed the institution of marriage. He saw man’s need, provided or formed woman out of the man to meet his need and then BROUGHT her to the man. Ladies, let the burden roll off you! If you are in Christ Jesus, then trust that he will bring you to a man who is also in him, totally submitted to him. It is not about being good or decent. It is about whose you are and who you are.

It is about whose you are and who you are

You belong to Christ and him alone. He made you and he loves you unconditionally. You are in the world but not of the world, therefore refuse to conform to the standards of the world that spells out; ” the what to do or be to get married” as reminded in Romans 12:2.

Finally, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart;do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take”.Proverbs 3:5-6

Awakening love

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“She was filled with so much excitement. This was it! The man of her dreams! Exactly what she imagined and prayed for! And the best part; he looked similar to the guy she had been seeing in her dreams for the past 3 months.She couldn’t wait to start planning her wedding…colors..venue ooh so much to do. But oh wait; he didn’t even ask for her number. Didn’t he know she was to be his wife? Well, he was probably tired or overwhelmed. Sooner or later, he’d realize that they are meant to be. For now, she must start planning their future dates and the big day of their marriage.”

Do not awaken love until its proper time

Do not awaken love until its proper time; Song of Solomon 8:4 , Song of Solomon 3:5. There must be a reason why the same message is repeated in one book of the Bible. Most likely due to the fact that women are more prone or enticed to awaken love before its proper time.

 Women are naturally caretakers and “fixers”

Women are naturally caretakers and “fixers” if you would. It is not unnatural for us to think that we can help people especially the ones in our lives to straighten up and get their lives together. Hence many times, often than not we get ourselves into relationships and situations we have no business in or with.

You might have experienced it or at least witnessed a situation whereby a woman is so sure, she has met the man of her dreams but in the long run it isn’t so. It becomes more complicated when you believe God showed or directed you to the said person. It is necessary to question your motives, thoughts and perceptions. Are you really sure God has shown you he or she is the one? Are you attracted to the God, the ministry or the image you see in the person or are you really attracted to the person? Is attraction even enough?

– Are they giving any signals or have they showed interest? or is it just your perception?Remember the last time..a guy was interested in you but it totally irritated you? He probably feels the same way. If he is not pursuing..he’s definitely not interested.If God said he’s really the one for you..he’d speak to him. He spoke to Mary and Joseph both because he had purpose…Are you making up purpose!..daydreaming and giving necessary grace…excuses such as;

– A very pathetic but outright  lie that we say is that; He really needs me..he just doesn’t know. Honey..when a baby who knows “nothing” cries because it wants food..warmth and all… how can a grown up man not know he needs you???

– He is shy……I need to help him. When purpose and destiny joins..there’s no shyness. Eve was the first human Adam saw  but he spoke to her as soon as he saw her and “knew” her.No one had to teach him nothing! He had courage because that’s what he wanted and needed so he sought it. When a man sees what he wants, he goes for it.He will work 14 years like Jacob did if he has to because he loved her.

– He is not ready yet! Exactly! He is not ready for you. He might not be in the right season for relationship or marriage. If he really cherishes you, he’ll make a move to avoid losing you even if he’s not ready..he’ll let his intentions be known to you and let you know what he is dealing  with. If he is not ready? Give him space, allow him to get ready. You can’t rush his need or maturity. You can’t make anyone ready.

It is interesting that there’s a theology out there that says God doesn’t choose a mate and all… It is quite interesting though, because  if  you can trust God for salvation. which is eternal,why can’t you trust God for an earthly temporal relationship. Obviously God is not going to send you a spouse wrapped up in ribbons but if you ask him and trust him to choose..he’ll lead you to one whose destiny is connected to yours. Marriage is about destiny not delusions.

Okay, Let’s look at scenario,if you pray for someone to be healed and they get healed..do you say God helped me heal or will you say God healed this person? Exactly! You will say,God healed the person. So if God leads you through prayer to a man or woman after his own heart…did God help you choose or God chose for you? I hope you get my point.

Sometime ago, I began to get the impression that God was leading me to be joined to a guy, I knew in marriage. I prayed about it. I didn’t say a word to the guy and literally watched as he told me was getting married. Was I foolish to have kept quiet? I don’t think so because each time, I asked God what to do, he said ” Be still and Know, I am God”. Did I get it wrong or did God get it wrong? Obviously, God does not ever get it wrong! He knows the end from the beginning.

Was it God’s will for us to be married? I doubt so because God’s purpose and will always comes to pass as we surrender to him. So even though, I had the perception he was to be my husband,it could be my own desires or the enemy messing with me so I can doubt God’s faithfulness and lose trust in God in that area of my life. Remember John 10:10 ; the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy.

There is a divine order found in Genesis 2; God presented Eve to Adam not the other way round.Anything done out-of-order is disastrous

There is a divine order found in Genesis 2; God presented Eve to Adam not the other way round.Anything done out-of-order is disastrous.When the winds come too far; it’s called a tornado. When the waves of the sea exceed its stopline; it’s called a flood.When a woman has a baby before it’s time, it’s called a “premie” or premature. When  you awaken love before it’s time; it’s called “disaster in waiting”

Shacking or Settling?

shacking up & settling

In Proverbs 3:5-6,  the spirit of wisdom admonishes to trust in the LORD with all of your heart and then cautions against leaning on your own understanding but to rather acknowledge him and he will direct all your ways or paths.

Marriage is a big deal if you ask me. It is not to be compared to a career choice or any other things that are deemed important. I say this because, it is the first institution; Jehovah God, the creator of the world put in place. (Genesis 2:8). Hitherto, God looked at every thing he had created and said it was good but said it was not good (right) for man to be alone, so he created for him; a suitable helper. Hold on to the thought of helper and let it marinate, I’ll get right back to it. Let’s now take a look at God’s layout and blueprint for marriage.

The first commandment, the LORD gave to man was to multiply and be fruitful.(Genesis 1 :28). God’s purpose for the creation of man was to create one in his image and likeness with whom he would commune and fellowship. Hence, he created them, blessed them and then commanded them to be fruitful and multiply. He thus instituted marriage with its utmost and foremost duty to multiply (reproduce). God is a wise God (ironic right?) But, it is important I state this, because of the current state of the world we live in. I say this because, God in his wisdom saw the need for the institution of marriage as the right foundation and place for multiplication and reproduction and evidently sex.

Continue reading “Shacking or Settling?”

The Edge

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In a flash, I saw the hand of God lift up from my life…. I realized my folly and the deception of my heart. I was laid bare, exposed and uncovered because the hand that held kept and shielded me had just lifted and I had been graced to have a glimpse of it. My heart was heavy, I was ashamed and vulnerable because his gracious hand had lifted. I knew then and there only he can save because I had come to the edge of the cliff… I needed a savior. So, I called out to him sincerely to burn it all out, all the pride and deception of my heart and leave only him. He was all I needed and all I had.

Continue reading “The Edge”

Being Hagar

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It’s no secret females love attention… well who can blame us when Adam was so eloquent in his address and marital vow to Eve? (Genesis 2:23). Blame Adam for making us feel entitled!

However this desire for attention if not solely submitted and surrendered to Christ Jesus is more than likely to lead to a woman’s undoing and demise. Perhaps, it is likely that which prompted Eve to be the ” first” to be like God, by desiring to be the first to eat of the forbidden fruit. Since Eve is our great grandmother, it is quite easy for us to fall prey to anything and anyone who will give attention even the very serpent who gave Eve attention. There is an ill fantasy and thrill of  being the center of attention or the “distraction of attention” to a man whether he is committed to a relationship or married. (I bet y’all christian sisters have no idea what am talking about! You are so holy!) Whether out of desperation, insecurity, pay-back or whatever the reason is; it earns you a name and a title;

The other woman.

You don’t have to be a slave to your desires. Christ died so you can have freedom. Real freedom is found in being able to choose what is wise, right and godly.(1 Corinthians 10:23)

Are you the one that will take the “friends with benefit challenge? The other woman, the one who will make “him know what love is?” You are not the Messiah. You cannot meet every man’s needs!

Don’t settle for being the other woman in hope that one day you will become # 1. Hagar was always Hagar…so was Ishmael. They had a share but never took the place of Sarah or Isaac. Your beauty, fashion sense, intellectual, sexual prowess will not earn you a man’s love.

Yes you might feel special because you are the one he takes out to special occasions and functions….ha!  Well,that’s all he thinks you are good for. A plaque, a trophy to show off but not to be committed to. He doesn’t see you as the woman with who a future can be built with; the one to birth his offsprings and hold hands with when wrinkles appear and your teeth falls out.

You need to know your worth… you are a daughter. You are a princess. You are Sarah;mother of many righteous generations. Don’t think because you bought him this and that, helped him to become what  he is; means he’s obligated to you.. Remember in the end; Abraham did not blink about sending Hagar and Ishmael off; Genesis 21:14. You’d think, he ‘d let her leave Ishmael behind! Was he not his “love child”? The son who paid the cost of 13 years of silence from the LORD?(Genesis 16:16, 17:1) Yet he was ready to let him go. No matter what you build with a man as the other woman, he will not hesitate to let you go,when it really comes down to it. For him; there is more at stake than your worth or value to him!

Your encounters were wrong, your seed and it’s fruit; illegitimate. It wasn’t recorded that Abraham blamed or even hated Hagar because of  the subsequential period of silence between God and himself;one who was called a friend of God as a result of their sexual union and  the birth of Ishmael.However, this Abrahamic nature might not be present in the man to whom you are the other woman more especially if his life is devoid of the fear of God.(A man who has the fear of God has no business two timing) Eventually, you are most likely to be blamed for his relationship or marital problems or general life isues. It is harmful and dangerous to find yourself in this place of blame.

Why? Because if care is not taken, you develop a full-blown ill of self-pity and “never good enough” demeanor. You tried so hard to show him what a good woman you are and yet he blames you. Swiftly the accuser of the brethren, the enemy of your soul comes in and throws his games of confusion, self-denial, guilt and condemnation at you. These in turn drag in depression and most deceptively; the spirit of worthlessness and the deadliest; spirit of suicide. He will try to convince you that your life is not worth living especially not after all the effort you put in  to try to make it work. He will ask you; if God loved you and  where was or is he in the midst of all of your heartbreak and shame? It’s quite unfortunate that in these times, you forget that you were your sole contract and foreman; you  built and laid out for yourself,a godless foundation.Your actions basically told God; back off, I got this. How then does God build something on your shaky, sandy and godless foundation?

Psalm 136:1; God is good always! This is not just a cliché. He is truly good whether you realize it or not . Whether you are the other woman or the right hand woman. He still cares for you. All you have to do is to cry out to him. He wants you to rest in his love as he quiets your soul down beside still waters.(Psalm 23:2). He wants you to give him the ruins and waste of all you are thinking and feeling  and watch him make the rejected stone ; the builder’s cornerstone.(Psalm 118:22. In Genesis 21:17-19; Hagar cried out to the LORD who not only delivered her and Ishmael from thirst but spoke to her and comforted her. God not only desire to fulfill your every “thirst’ in life but he desires above all to commune with you daily and have a  thriving relationship with you through the Holy Spirit who is the comforter.(John 14:26)

You are his bride. Decked in white, spotless and blameless.(Revelation 19:7-8) You have the fragrance of royalty. You deserve only the best and he is graciously offering it to you; HIMSELF. Why don’t you acknowledge his everlasting love with: ” I will take that please and thank you”?

 

Take a Survey

About last night

premarital-sex

Conversation begins:

Ummm… I think we need to talk
What about?
What do you mean by what about? Really?
Yeah..what about? I can’t read your mind, you know that
Okay! It’s about last night.
Babe, am sorry okay? I didn’t mean for it to happen like that.
(Sobbing..) but that’s what you said the last time
Well honey, you know it takes two to tango..why are you putting the blame on me?
I am not!
Yes you are!
You are always blaming me when something goes wrong. I don’t remember
forcing you.
You could have stopped me if you wanted to. Now you’re trying to make me feel guilty
for something we both did.I am really getting to the tipping point of this situation.
Are you really? That’s all you can say?

Conversation fades…
This might not be the typical conversation that many unmarried couples have after engaging in fornication or pre-marital sex. In most cases, the conversation might not happen at all due to shame, guilt and regret.

What  is pre-marital sex anyways? Does the bible explicitly shun it? and why does the church keep silent over it especially during the dating and courtship stages of relationship? It’d surprise you to know that most people do not talk about the sexuality aspect of a relationship when they begin dating. It’s like the unwritten code or memo that you just should have got. Well, it kind of depends on who you believe in  or what you call yourself.Okay , let me clarify. So, as an example if  you believe that self is your highest priority and you are all about self happiness and gratification; then you have no reason or excuse not to engage in sexual activity when you feel like it. On other hand, if you identify as a believer in Jesus Christ or you call yourself a christian; then you should have hesitation or are quite cautious when it comes to sexual activity because it’s no longer about self but Jesus Christ.

Now to the questions. Pre-marital sex when broken down is sexual activity that occurs before marriage. “Pre” meaning before, marital meaning marriage as instituted by God. The definition of sex has evolved over the years  especially in this era of technological development, to the point where there’s what’s called “phone sex”. So the definition of sex is quite broad and as such is left to you for interpretation.

Does the bible explicitly shun pre-marital sex? To be able to understand this, it is important to know what God deems as marriage.  Genesis 2:24 sets the motion for what God considers marriage. We can deduce from this verse that, the joining of a man to his wife in the process of becoming one flesh is the biblical and God’s definition of marriage. God did not institute a ceremony or a legal documentation to validate marriage. Whenever two people come together in sexual union and become one flesh; their spirits become married or joined together. This is an aspect of what is popularly known as a “soul tie”(That’s for another day). Before God, sex is a bonding of spirits and souls. This why  Jacob could not turn back from marrying Leah after he had laid with her even though he had thought he was marrying Rachel (Genesis 29:21-28). Laban as crafty as he was, I believe  presented Rachel during the feast or ceremony and then in the night sneaked Leah into the bedchamber of Jacob. Why? He knew it was sex that sealed the deal not a ceremony.

Thus to God, it’s not just the issue of pre-marital sex but sex in general in his sight is not something to toy with.Sex is not an experiment to determine an outcome; whether it’s good or bad. God made us and so he sees the damage that happens when the soul and the spirit joins together but there isn’t unity in the physical realm. He knows and sees the pain, hurt and brokenness that it can bring. Hence his admonishment through Paul to flee fornication.(1 Corinthians 6:18). It is interesting and worthy of note that God is not afraid of you sinning against him but he is more concerned about you sinning against your own body. Why? Most probably due to the impact of sexual sin against your body which in my opinion, the human mind is limited to totally grasp and fully understand.

The popular Joseph and Potiphar’s wife conversation cannot be left out in the discussion of sexual sin.. An account of this story is found in Genesis 39:7-12. Joseph had such reverence for God that he could not even entertain the idea of sleeping with another man’s wife. What did he do in the situation? He fled! He passed on the “scholarship” of free sex and who knows what favors she’d have given him? Men, you don’t sleep or give your strength to every and any woman who makes herself available to you! (Proverbs 31:3)

The reason why I think the church is often silent about sex during the stages of dating and courtship is partly due to assumptions and ignorance. Assumptions, because it is presumed that people in the church “should know better”. There is a silent implication that couples who date in the church know what God says about fornication and hence what to do to avoid the snare of sexual sin. It is quite sad because, it fails to recognize that the church is a place for restoration for broken people who are gradually being transformed into the image of Christ Jesus. There is also a lack of recognition that there exists a variety of spiritual growth and maturity level in the church which is inevitably present in relationships. This leads to the ignorance that “avoiding the talk” will make the issue go away. Some argue that they don’t talk about this because, they don’t want to be sin conscious or make people feel guilty, forgetting that it is for lack of knowledge that people perish.(Hosea 4:6)

There are relationships that began with an acknowledgment of God and his stance on sexual sin, yet most often people find themselves in bed before long. It is important to evaluate ourselves and set boundaries in relationships with the opposite sex if we are to glorify God in all of our ways and present our bodies as a temple of his Holy Spirit.(1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ). Joseph did not pray or ask God how much or how far he could get away with kissing, touching or petting Pharaoah’s wife. He fled. When in doubt about sinning against your own body; flee!