What it takes; Sequel

 

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After the post on  What it takes, I proceeded to ask few unmarried men their views or convictions on what it takes for a man to make a woman his wife as promised in the post. The views expressed here were either typed and sent to me via social media or recorded and sent to me to be translated into writing. These are views of unmarried christian men and it is posted here with their full permission and awareness.

View 1:

“Almost every person is influenced by Society and their environment both man and woman… let me use myself as example, before I came to know the Lord, my ideal wife was;

1) A gorgeous woman that will sexually satisfy me

2). A woman that my friends and family will approve off. But now that I’m a Christian my ideal wife is a woman who seeks to be like Jesus day in and day out just like I do in spite of outward appearance and what friends and family thinks. And I have come to this conclusion because of the teachings of the bible”.

View 2

“First and foremost, I’d want the LORD’S blessing. The second thing is the endorsement of leaders, parents and family; people who I allow to speak into my life. I wouldn’t like to run into this decision because of passion, but would rather exercise patience and allow the LORD to direct me.

I believe this can be likened to a father wanting good wife for his son;he presents her to him and ask him about her.In the same way, God will present her to me and say son; what do you think? Hence, as Paul said in  2 Corinthians 5: 16; about knowing or evaluating  people not according to the flesh but the Spirit, I’d like to know her in the Spirit.

I also believe a man should pursue and initiate love and then a woman responds to the love initiation or pursuance. Another thing is the focus should not be on similarity or difference. Rather, someone that I can run the same race  with. I want her to be bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.

In summary, the biggest thing to me is the move of God. I”ll pursue only if God wants me to; like Moses; am not moving if God is not coming with me”.

View 3:

“Major thing for me will be clearance from the LORD. This is something, I  have witnessed in the life of  others; a clearance from the LORD in terms of confirmations. I would seek  confirmation from the LORD by putting several fleeces before the LORD with specific requests for confirmation. Added to this will be talking with the leaders in one’s life and asking for approval.

Finally, the peace from the LORD will be icing on the cake to reassure and confirm that the woman or marriage is God’s will for my life”.

Yes, I know the underlying theme is biased; revolving around God and JESUS Christ. What were you expecting? A christian’s allegiance and loyalty is to the master and savior and LORD JESUS and rightly so, his influence and guidance in all aspects of life. Let me ask you, If you had a very important exam to take and you were informed of someone who had the manual to prep you to pass the exam, would you not seek him out? Yep, you would! Why then will anyway bypass the God who created man and life to able to “pass” and live life in abundance?

He quoted a proverb: “‘Can a blind man guide a blind man?’ Wouldn’t they both end up in the ditch? An apprentice doesn’t lecture the master. The point is to be careful who you follow as your teacher. (Luke 6:39-40)

What it takes

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Valentine’s Day was celebrated by many last week; both single and married. Some heard the; “Will you marry me?” phrase and ended up engaged to be married! Others have waited in the same relationship for years to hear the question popped, yet another valentine has passed with no ring. Maybe… just maybe he wants to propose on my birthday or  our anniversary. : )

What does it really take for a man to decide or arrive at the conclusion that a woman is to be his wife? I have wondered and rhetorically addressed this question to myself in the past as well. I may not be the first or last to pose this question to self or to others, yet it is worth pondering or asking. As such, I ‘ll be doing a blog post later on the various opinions and answers, single and married men give to this question. (It’ll be interesting, I promise!) For now, let me share a few insights with you.

Many people might without much thought hurriedly try to answer this question. Some might say; when a man finds a decent woman, he will marry her. Question; what is the definition of decent? Is it “well-kept”, “non- whoring”, hardworking etc? If yes, then why are many “decent women” including myself not married? If it really comes down to that definition and school of thought, then many women “over qualify” especially those in churches in their early 20’s to late 40’s who are single and”decent”, so why are they not married???

Another group might answer; when a man finds a good woman, he will marry her. Excuse me! What does that imply? All non married women are not “good”? And what exactly does good mean? Is this supposed definition of good universal or subjective? Fact of the matter is, all these ideologies about why or what it takes for a man to make a woman his wife is quite erroneous of you ask me. Why?

In the first place, when a woman asks this; more often than not, it is from a place of disappointment, betrayal or worse self-pity. Hence the implication that one is “not decent” or “good enough” is both distorted and damaging to the person hood of a woman. It tramples on the self-worth and value of a woman because it literally says; just because you don’t have a ring on your finger, you don’t qualify to be called good or decent.The implication runs further than this, in that; it refutes Genesis 1:31; which says God saw all that he had done and called it good.

It is quite annoying and sad that the image and worth of a woman is associated or linked to her marital status or a piece of metal or stone on her finger. Take a look at this scenario; for the same pair of jeans made of the same quality and material, jean A might cost $100 and the jean B cost $20 mainly because, the $100 has a designer logo stamped on it. Now tell me, is the $100 jeans “better” than the $20 jeans? Did you say, no? Well, exactly my point! The designer or name on the jeans gives the jeans its price tag and “prestige”. Rightly so, the maker of the universe, the LORD GOD Almighty gives every human his/her value; whether single or married. So the value or worth of a woman cannot and is not in her marital status but in creator, God.Your worth is in your designer and not the store.

Your worth is in your designer and not the store  

Added to this, in Genesis 2 :18-25, we find that a man has to see his need for a suitable helper or wife to receive one.

A man has to see his need for a suitable helper or wife to receive one.

So in basic terms, it is not a woman’s responsibility or task to make a man see his need for her but really; a self-awareness of a man as a living being to see his need for a wife.In Verse 22; we realize that the woman was made out of man and then she was brought to him! 😊 If I can take this further, after a man realizes his need for a suitable helper or wife, he also ought to have that which will allow a suitable helper to be drawn out of him. In other words, you can only give of what you have. “When the cloud is full of rain, it pours or empties itself”- Ecclesiastes 11:3.

After a man realizes his need for a suitable helper or wife, he also ought to have that which will allow a suitable helper to be drawn out of him
The best part about this is, it was the creator God himself, who initiated and completed the institution of marriage. He saw man’s need, provided or formed woman out of the man to meet his need and then BROUGHT her to the man. Ladies, let the burden roll off you! If you are in Christ Jesus, then trust that he will bring you to a man who is also in him, totally submitted to him. It is not about being good or decent. It is about whose you are and who you are.

It is about whose you are and who you are

You belong to Christ and him alone. He made you and he loves you unconditionally. You are in the world but not of the world, therefore refuse to conform to the standards of the world that spells out; ” the what to do or be to get married” as reminded in Romans 12:2.

Finally, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart;do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take”.Proverbs 3:5-6

Awakening love

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“She was filled with so much excitement. This was it! The man of her dreams! Exactly what she imagined and prayed for! And the best part; he looked similar to the guy she had been seeing in her dreams for the past 3 months.She couldn’t wait to start planning her wedding…colors..venue ooh so much to do. But oh wait; he didn’t even ask for her number. Didn’t he know she was to be his wife? Well, he was probably tired or overwhelmed. Sooner or later, he’d realize that they are meant to be. For now, she must start planning their future dates and the big day of their marriage.”

Do not awaken love until its proper time

Do not awaken love until its proper time; Song of Solomon 8:4 , Song of Solomon 3:5. There must be a reason why the same message is repeated in one book of the Bible. Most likely due to the fact that women are more prone or enticed to awaken love before its proper time.

 Women are naturally caretakers and “fixers”

Women are naturally caretakers and “fixers” if you would. It is not unnatural for us to think that we can help people especially the ones in our lives to straighten up and get their lives together. Hence many times, often than not we get ourselves into relationships and situations we have no business in or with.

You might have experienced it or at least witnessed a situation whereby a woman is so sure, she has met the man of her dreams but in the long run it isn’t so. It becomes more complicated when you believe God showed or directed you to the said person. It is necessary to question your motives, thoughts and perceptions. Are you really sure God has shown you he or she is the one? Are you attracted to the God, the ministry or the image you see in the person or are you really attracted to the person? Is attraction even enough?

– Are they giving any signals or have they showed interest? or is it just your perception?Remember the last time..a guy was interested in you but it totally irritated you? He probably feels the same way. If he is not pursuing..he’s definitely not interested.If God said he’s really the one for you..he’d speak to him. He spoke to Mary and Joseph both because he had purpose…Are you making up purpose!..daydreaming and giving necessary grace…excuses such as;

– A very pathetic but outright  lie that we say is that; He really needs me..he just doesn’t know. Honey..when a baby who knows “nothing” cries because it wants food..warmth and all… how can a grown up man not know he needs you???

– He is shy……I need to help him. When purpose and destiny joins..there’s no shyness. Eve was the first human Adam saw  but he spoke to her as soon as he saw her and “knew” her.No one had to teach him nothing! He had courage because that’s what he wanted and needed so he sought it. When a man sees what he wants, he goes for it.He will work 14 years like Jacob did if he has to because he loved her.

– He is not ready yet! Exactly! He is not ready for you. He might not be in the right season for relationship or marriage. If he really cherishes you, he’ll make a move to avoid losing you even if he’s not ready..he’ll let his intentions be known to you and let you know what he is dealing  with. If he is not ready? Give him space, allow him to get ready. You can’t rush his need or maturity. You can’t make anyone ready.

It is interesting that there’s a theology out there that says God doesn’t choose a mate and all… It is quite interesting though, because  if  you can trust God for salvation. which is eternal,why can’t you trust God for an earthly temporal relationship. Obviously God is not going to send you a spouse wrapped up in ribbons but if you ask him and trust him to choose..he’ll lead you to one whose destiny is connected to yours. Marriage is about destiny not delusions.

Okay, Let’s look at scenario,if you pray for someone to be healed and they get healed..do you say God helped me heal or will you say God healed this person? Exactly! You will say,God healed the person. So if God leads you through prayer to a man or woman after his own heart…did God help you choose or God chose for you? I hope you get my point.

Sometime ago, I began to get the impression that God was leading me to be joined to a guy, I knew in marriage. I prayed about it. I didn’t say a word to the guy and literally watched as he told me was getting married. Was I foolish to have kept quiet? I don’t think so because each time, I asked God what to do, he said ” Be still and Know, I am God”. Did I get it wrong or did God get it wrong? Obviously, God does not ever get it wrong! He knows the end from the beginning.

Was it God’s will for us to be married? I doubt so because God’s purpose and will always comes to pass as we surrender to him. So even though, I had the perception he was to be my husband,it could be my own desires or the enemy messing with me so I can doubt God’s faithfulness and lose trust in God in that area of my life. Remember John 10:10 ; the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy.

There is a divine order found in Genesis 2; God presented Eve to Adam not the other way round.Anything done out-of-order is disastrous

There is a divine order found in Genesis 2; God presented Eve to Adam not the other way round.Anything done out-of-order is disastrous.When the winds come too far; it’s called a tornado. When the waves of the sea exceed its stopline; it’s called a flood.When a woman has a baby before it’s time, it’s called a “premie” or premature. When  you awaken love before it’s time; it’s called “disaster in waiting”

Shacking or Settling?

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In Proverbs 3:5-6,  the spirit of wisdom admonishes to trust in the LORD with all of your heart and then cautions against leaning on your own understanding but to rather acknowledge him and he will direct all your ways or paths.

Marriage is a big deal if you ask me. It is not to be compared to a career choice or any other things that are deemed important. I say this because, it is the first institution; Jehovah God, the creator of the world put in place. (Genesis 2:8). Hitherto, God looked at every thing he had created and said it was good but said it was not good (right) for man to be alone, so he created for him; a suitable helper. Hold on to the thought of helper and let it marinate, I’ll get right back to it. Let’s now take a look at God’s layout and blueprint for marriage.

The first commandment, the LORD gave to man was to multiply and be fruitful.(Genesis 1 :28). God’s purpose for the creation of man was to create one in his image and likeness with whom he would commune and fellowship. Hence, he created them, blessed them and then commanded them to be fruitful and multiply. He thus instituted marriage with its utmost and foremost duty to multiply (reproduce). God is a wise God (ironic right?) But, it is important I state this, because of the current state of the world we live in. I say this because, God in his wisdom saw the need for the institution of marriage as the right foundation and place for multiplication and reproduction and evidently sex.

Continue reading “Shacking or Settling?”

The Edge

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In a flash, I saw the hand of God lift up from my life…. I realized my folly and the deception of my heart. I was laid bare, exposed and uncovered because the hand that held kept and shielded me had just lifted and I had been graced to have a glimpse of it. My heart was heavy, I was ashamed and vulnerable because his gracious hand had lifted. I knew then and there only he can save because I had come to the edge of the cliff… I needed a savior. So, I called out to him sincerely to burn it all out, all the pride and deception of my heart and leave only him. He was all I needed and all I had.

Continue reading “The Edge”

Ex-pired!

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Expiration means “exhalation of breath”. It is interesting that when a person dies, we sometimes say they have “expired” or figuratively say ; ” they have breathed their last breath” When death occurs, the end of a matter is established.

When death occurs, the end of a matter is established.

There’s a reason why things have expiration dates. For this same reason, expired items are not meant to  be kept around. They stink! They stink so bad, it is hard to use it for its original intended purpose. So what do you do with expired stinking items? You throw it away into the trash. You don’t try to use it because you know it’s gonna do bad things to your body and since you really don’t want that to happen, you get rid of it no matter what it meant to you. Continue reading “Ex-pired!”

The Brewery

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I ain’t no expert at brewing but I do know that the “strength’ or “goodness ” of an alcoholic drink is very much dependent on the fermentation process. The fermentation process involves the chemical breakdown of the malt extract by bacteria, yeast or other microorganism and the subsequent production of carbon dioxide(CO2)  and ethanol/alcohol as byproducts. It is interesting to note that the word ferment also means to incite or stir up.

You might wonder where am going with all of this… Well, this blog post is not about how to make good beer at home or teach you the science of fermentation. On the contrary, it is about an ageless enemy of humans. Wait! I am not talking about the devil.(Even though he is very well, the root and the agent of fear and it’s one of his famous devices/weapons) I am referring to the evil of fear which is common to all and sundry. Follow along as I tell you bits of my experience with this evil.

When I was a little girl ; ) I wanted to be an epitome of perfection not in looks or anything but I wanted to be perfect in my decision-making even as a little girl and throughout my teenage years. I did not want to take wrong turns that would disappoint God, my parents and anyone who mattered to me. Unknowingly, I had began a brewery of fear in my life. As my adult years began to form, my “little brewery”  also grew as I introduced the microorganism and  yeast of “expectation of people”(about how my life should be and what ought to happen at certain periods of my life) and “self pride”(on how I had not made a blunder of my life in any major decision I had taken yet)

Before long, I added to my brewery; the fear of marrying the “wrong person”. Yes, I do believe there is a wrong and right person based on this criteria; the right person is your destiny helper and vice versa while the wrong person is your destiny thwart-er/breaker or destiny wrecker. Either ways, I hope you get my point. The fear of marrying the wrong person became so much of a concern that, its fermentation process became excellent! The microorganisms and yeast did well to release tons of carbon dioxide (confusion) and ethanol (stimulant & euphoric sensations). I hope, I haven’t lost you…Hang in there with me.                                   

I hold the belief that everything in life whether living or not has a smell to it.(You don’t have to agree or disagree). Anyways, sooner than later the sweet smell or stench of my brewery and incitement of the  fear of marrying the wrong person drew me to someone or someone to me. When I began talking to and eventually dated this man, my fear did not dissipate , rather the by -products of the fermentation process doubled. The CO2 (confusion) and ethanol (stimulation(s) and euphoria of having met “Mr Right”) were like the tidal waves of a storm;  up and down almost all the time.

When the relationship fell apart, I began to question my ability to make good decisions, something hitherto I had prided myself in (Pride definitely goes before fall as the Bible said in Proverbs 16:18). God began to reveal my heart to me as I pondered the events of the relationship. It was during this “heart surgery”, that I realized that I had misplaced my identity; you can read about this in an earlier blog post – Single ladies,ring on it? and also found out that the fear which I had harbored and stirred up led me to the “wrong person” like Job said in  Job 3:25 ; that what he feared; came upon him. Fear is not of God, rather God’s perfect love when established in your heart casts out fear 1 John 4:18. God’s truth of his faithfulness and perfect love subsequently set me free from this fear through God’s perfect love from the flavor/smell of the fear of marrying the wrong person.

In life we are all brewers. We brew and drink from our own brewery. Someone can influence what you brew but no one can brew for you or dictate what you brew because you are the first to taste of what you brew.If you don’t like what you brew, you can always change it. The choice is yours.

In life we are all brewers. We brew and drink from our own brewery.

What are you brewing or stirring up in your life?

Your fear might be with a different thing or in a different area of your life.. It can be fear of being alone, fear of cancer, death or even lack. Fear is a constant battle because fear is a proven and effective tool of the enemy and he’s not going to give up just because in one area of your life, you defeat him by Christ’s petfect love. He’ll keep bringing it up in different aspects  and areas of your life. However, the good news is that, but we have a high priest; Christ Jesus who is able to help us in our weakness.(Hebrews 4:15). He is faithful to cleanse you from every toxic effect of anything brewed in your life and able to make you whole again.