What it takes; Sequel

 

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After the post on  What it takes, I proceeded to ask few unmarried men their views or convictions on what it takes for a man to make a woman his wife as promised in the post. The views expressed here were either typed and sent to me via social media or recorded and sent to me to be translated into writing. These are views of unmarried christian men and it is posted here with their full permission and awareness.

View 1:

“Almost every person is influenced by Society and their environment both man and woman… let me use myself as example, before I came to know the Lord, my ideal wife was;

1) A gorgeous woman that will sexually satisfy me

2). A woman that my friends and family will approve off. But now that I’m a Christian my ideal wife is a woman who seeks to be like Jesus day in and day out just like I do in spite of outward appearance and what friends and family thinks. And I have come to this conclusion because of the teachings of the bible”.

View 2

“First and foremost, I’d want the LORD’S blessing. The second thing is the endorsement of leaders, parents and family; people who I allow to speak into my life. I wouldn’t like to run into this decision because of passion, but would rather exercise patience and allow the LORD to direct me.

I believe this can be likened to a father wanting good wife for his son;he presents her to him and ask him about her.In the same way, God will present her to me and say son; what do you think? Hence, as Paul said in  2 Corinthians 5: 16; about knowing or evaluating  people not according to the flesh but the Spirit, I’d like to know her in the Spirit.

I also believe a man should pursue and initiate love and then a woman responds to the love initiation or pursuance. Another thing is the focus should not be on similarity or difference. Rather, someone that I can run the same race  with. I want her to be bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.

In summary, the biggest thing to me is the move of God. I”ll pursue only if God wants me to; like Moses; am not moving if God is not coming with me”.

View 3:

“Major thing for me will be clearance from the LORD. This is something, I  have witnessed in the life of  others; a clearance from the LORD in terms of confirmations. I would seek  confirmation from the LORD by putting several fleeces before the LORD with specific requests for confirmation. Added to this will be talking with the leaders in one’s life and asking for approval.

Finally, the peace from the LORD will be icing on the cake to reassure and confirm that the woman or marriage is God’s will for my life”.

Yes, I know the underlying theme is biased; revolving around God and JESUS Christ. What were you expecting? A christian’s allegiance and loyalty is to the master and savior and LORD JESUS and rightly so, his influence and guidance in all aspects of life. Let me ask you, If you had a very important exam to take and you were informed of someone who had the manual to prep you to pass the exam, would you not seek him out? Yep, you would! Why then will anyway bypass the God who created man and life to able to “pass” and live life in abundance?

He quoted a proverb: “‘Can a blind man guide a blind man?’ Wouldn’t they both end up in the ditch? An apprentice doesn’t lecture the master. The point is to be careful who you follow as your teacher. (Luke 6:39-40)

What it takes

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Valentine’s Day was celebrated by many last week; both single and married. Some heard the; “Will you marry me?” phrase and ended up engaged to be married! Others have waited in the same relationship for years to hear the question popped, yet another valentine has passed with no ring. Maybe… just maybe he wants to propose on my birthday or  our anniversary. : )

What does it really take for a man to decide or arrive at the conclusion that a woman is to be his wife? I have wondered and rhetorically addressed this question to myself in the past as well. I may not be the first or last to pose this question to self or to others, yet it is worth pondering or asking. As such, I ‘ll be doing a blog post later on the various opinions and answers, single and married men give to this question. (It’ll be interesting, I promise!) For now, let me share a few insights with you.

Many people might without much thought hurriedly try to answer this question. Some might say; when a man finds a decent woman, he will marry her. Question; what is the definition of decent? Is it “well-kept”, “non- whoring”, hardworking etc? If yes, then why are many “decent women” including myself not married? If it really comes down to that definition and school of thought, then many women “over qualify” especially those in churches in their early 20’s to late 40’s who are single and”decent”, so why are they not married???

Another group might answer; when a man finds a good woman, he will marry her. Excuse me! What does that imply? All non married women are not “good”? And what exactly does good mean? Is this supposed definition of good universal or subjective? Fact of the matter is, all these ideologies about why or what it takes for a man to make a woman his wife is quite erroneous of you ask me. Why?

In the first place, when a woman asks this; more often than not, it is from a place of disappointment, betrayal or worse self-pity. Hence the implication that one is “not decent” or “good enough” is both distorted and damaging to the person hood of a woman. It tramples on the self-worth and value of a woman because it literally says; just because you don’t have a ring on your finger, you don’t qualify to be called good or decent.The implication runs further than this, in that; it refutes Genesis 1:31; which says God saw all that he had done and called it good.

It is quite annoying and sad that the image and worth of a woman is associated or linked to her marital status or a piece of metal or stone on her finger. Take a look at this scenario; for the same pair of jeans made of the same quality and material, jean A might cost $100 and the jean B cost $20 mainly because, the $100 has a designer logo stamped on it. Now tell me, is the $100 jeans “better” than the $20 jeans? Did you say, no? Well, exactly my point! The designer or name on the jeans gives the jeans its price tag and “prestige”. Rightly so, the maker of the universe, the LORD GOD Almighty gives every human his/her value; whether single or married. So the value or worth of a woman cannot and is not in her marital status but in creator, God.Your worth is in your designer and not the store.

Your worth is in your designer and not the store  

Added to this, in Genesis 2 :18-25, we find that a man has to see his need for a suitable helper or wife to receive one.

A man has to see his need for a suitable helper or wife to receive one.

So in basic terms, it is not a woman’s responsibility or task to make a man see his need for her but really; a self-awareness of a man as a living being to see his need for a wife.In Verse 22; we realize that the woman was made out of man and then she was brought to him! 😊 If I can take this further, after a man realizes his need for a suitable helper or wife, he also ought to have that which will allow a suitable helper to be drawn out of him. In other words, you can only give of what you have. “When the cloud is full of rain, it pours or empties itself”- Ecclesiastes 11:3.

After a man realizes his need for a suitable helper or wife, he also ought to have that which will allow a suitable helper to be drawn out of him
The best part about this is, it was the creator God himself, who initiated and completed the institution of marriage. He saw man’s need, provided or formed woman out of the man to meet his need and then BROUGHT her to the man. Ladies, let the burden roll off you! If you are in Christ Jesus, then trust that he will bring you to a man who is also in him, totally submitted to him. It is not about being good or decent. It is about whose you are and who you are.

It is about whose you are and who you are

You belong to Christ and him alone. He made you and he loves you unconditionally. You are in the world but not of the world, therefore refuse to conform to the standards of the world that spells out; ” the what to do or be to get married” as reminded in Romans 12:2.

Finally, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart;do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take”.Proverbs 3:5-6

Shacking or Settling?

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In Proverbs 3:5-6,  the spirit of wisdom admonishes to trust in the LORD with all of your heart and then cautions against leaning on your own understanding but to rather acknowledge him and he will direct all your ways or paths.

Marriage is a big deal if you ask me. It is not to be compared to a career choice or any other things that are deemed important. I say this because, it is the first institution; Jehovah God, the creator of the world put in place. (Genesis 2:8). Hitherto, God looked at every thing he had created and said it was good but said it was not good (right) for man to be alone, so he created for him; a suitable helper. Hold on to the thought of helper and let it marinate, I’ll get right back to it. Let’s now take a look at God’s layout and blueprint for marriage.

The first commandment, the LORD gave to man was to multiply and be fruitful.(Genesis 1 :28). God’s purpose for the creation of man was to create one in his image and likeness with whom he would commune and fellowship. Hence, he created them, blessed them and then commanded them to be fruitful and multiply. He thus instituted marriage with its utmost and foremost duty to multiply (reproduce). God is a wise God (ironic right?) But, it is important I state this, because of the current state of the world we live in. I say this because, God in his wisdom saw the need for the institution of marriage as the right foundation and place for multiplication and reproduction and evidently sex.

Continue reading “Shacking or Settling?”

The Edge

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In a flash, I saw the hand of God lift up from my life…. I realized my folly and the deception of my heart. I was laid bare, exposed and uncovered because the hand that held kept and shielded me had just lifted and I had been graced to have a glimpse of it. My heart was heavy, I was ashamed and vulnerable because his gracious hand had lifted. I knew then and there only he can save because I had come to the edge of the cliff… I needed a savior. So, I called out to him sincerely to burn it all out, all the pride and deception of my heart and leave only him. He was all I needed and all I had.

Continue reading “The Edge”

Ex-pired!

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Expiration means “exhalation of breath”. It is interesting that when a person dies, we sometimes say they have “expired” or figuratively say ; ” they have breathed their last breath” When death occurs, the end of a matter is established.

When death occurs, the end of a matter is established.

There’s a reason why things have expiration dates. For this same reason, expired items are not meant to  be kept around. They stink! They stink so bad, it is hard to use it for its original intended purpose. So what do you do with expired stinking items? You throw it away into the trash. You don’t try to use it because you know it’s gonna do bad things to your body and since you really don’t want that to happen, you get rid of it no matter what it meant to you. Continue reading “Ex-pired!”

Ishac (Part 2)

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Ishac as explained in Ishac 1 is first and foremost a pretender. He acts like he is “it”. All you have ever wanted or needed; the very answer to your prayer but as already mentioned in the previous post, his fruits do not match or align with the person he says he is. He calls himself a man of God but wants to explore your body and get to know you intimately before marriage.The catch though is that, he does not clearly say this to you. His major target is to twist your identity because identity is core to every living thing. As an example, a rat knows it is rat and not an elephant hence, it will not dare to stomp over a dog when it encounters one. This is because it knows what it is and as a result what it can do or not do.

When you know who you are, you discover your abilities and your strength. You know your do’s and your don’ts and in it you find your place and your purpose in life. There is no striving or competition because you are comfortable with you.

The strategy of an Ishac  is to at the very basic steal your identity.So he comes in forging his identity, faking who he is so he can have your heart. Proverbs 4:23  This is what happened to Abraham. He had waited and waited for the promise to the point that when Ishmael was born he began to think Ishmael was the promise so much that he asked God to bless Ishmael as a substitute for the promised son Genesis 17: 18-21. We do this too. Many times in our own lives, after waiting on God for what we perceive as a long time. Your prayers start to change to something like; ” Oh LORD please make him the one”, when you know from the depth of your heart, he isn’t anything like what God has promised or where God wants to lead you.

The thing about Ishac though is that once he is able to forge his identity and establish himself with you, the next thing he moves to is your identity. Did you just ask why? He does this because he can only keep his act for so long. Thus, he has to twist your identity so that when he is fully unmasked you don’t know who he is or who you even are because he is an identity theft and has stolen your identity. I know this is kinda deep but I’ll try to break it down.

After a while , “Mr nice guy, I love God” wants to get into your skirt but he isn’t gonna do it straight up. He has to do this gradually by beginning to create doubt and fear in your mind about God’s words and promises for your life. He uses the same trick and verbiage the serpent used because  he is on a mission; “Has God said?”

Ishac un-identifies and misidentifies  you in order for you to  to identify with him

Soon, you start to question whether it is wrong to kiss or fondle when prior to Ishac, you knew the answer and could give a sermon on that even while asleep .Before you long, you are cuddling and all…! Your faith and value system on which your identity had been founded starts to degrade.You eventually get to the point where all you are well versed with the “appetizer” and now you want a bite of the “main meal”.

Somehow at this point, a bell rings in your heard; sex before marriage is wrong so you say so but Ishac turns on you and calls you a hypocrite that you are not even the woman he thought you were and how you had played along and now you want to back out.
Mostly at this point, you are in a state of confusion because what he is saying is kinda true, you are not sure who you are. : (
I know this will not be the situation for most people but the theme cuts across.It’s all about identity. This is what the enemy attacks. This is what every Ishac wants.
The most dangerous part of this, is not falling into sin but getting to the point where you doubt and begin to distrust God. Maybe, just maybe your Isaac is not gonna come after all. Perhaps, you didn’t hear God right. What if, this is as good as it gets?
Ladies, any man who causes you to doubt God, his words and promises to you is not one you’d want to hang around, Let alone marry! 
He spells and smells danger. “What will you gain, if you own the whole world but destroy yourself? What would you give to get back your soul?”(Matthew 16:26). Will you lose your eternal life for maximum of 90 years of marriage or relationship?

You cannot make an Ishac, an Isaac. This is where most of us trip. Yes, he is tall, dark and handsome,he has a great sense of humor and is financially stable yet he is missing the “God part”. This is a test of your flesh and faith. Will you succumb to the pressures and pleasures of your flesh or will you walk by faith, knowing and believing that he who has called and commissioned you is faithful? Please, do not get me wrong, we are called to be a light in the world, so it’s perfectly fine and God’s will for you to lead others to Christ Jesus. However, check your motive if you are leading him to Christ, so you can make him a “fit spouse or good enough” for you, then your heart is not right.

Once your identity in God has been replaced by your identity with, and in  Ishac, you become an easy prey for the enemy because you have given him essentially the keys to your soul. Depression, bitterness, self -pity, self- hate and a skewed image of God sets in. The only safe place for your life and identity is in JESUS and nothing or no one else.

Why does God allow an Ishac into your life if he is all sovereign and all knowing? God loves you infinitely and wants you to walk in his truth and light. So, sometimes an Ishac comes to reveal the status of your heart in your walk with God. Remember God did not send him, it is your desires that led you to an Ishac. The LORD God does not tempt! (James 1:13). Yet he is faithful and just to help you in your weakness and will not allow you to go through any temptation that you cannot handle. (1 Corinthians 10:13). How does he know you can handle this? He knows you can because he is your strength and help and he causes all things to work for your good because you love him and have been called to his purpose.

When you encounter an Ishac and fall, do not stay on the ground. Rise up again as written in Micah 7:8 : “Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall I will rise; Though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me”

What’s up with the Wait?

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The verse above is very common in  christian circles. However,, the problem is that it has not really been understood and has been quite misinterpreted many times.

It is necessary to establish that we all have to wait for someone or something at various points in our life.A pregnant woman waits for the birth and arrival of her child, a student waits for the day of graduation, a christian on their death-bed awaits eternity in heaven.

Whether you are “good” or “bad”; you have to wait. It’s not an option, you just gotta have to especially as life doesn’t always go as planned.

The focus of this piece will be on waiting as a single or unmarried person.You and I had our “timelines” while growing up. Fill in the blank spaces; “I will have a career and secure job by age___”. I will be married and have kids by age ___”. We draw these timelines based on our own perception and understanding of what we think tomorrow holds. We forget that his ways and plans are not out ways and that our God is not limited by time.

I personally believe waiting especially when you are single has been built on a lot of humanistic understanding instead of God’s point of view. We have been told by prominent ministers and speakers to wait because;.

  1. You  deserve better.

God saw all that he has created and said it was good (Genesis 1:31). So when we say “better”; what are we exactly insinuating? Do we just mean the superficial things; better looks, better finances, better education/career, better christian? (Is there really something such as this? I mean; are not all of us saved by grace). I totally get it and understand that there are levels of spiritual maturity and it’s quite necessary to marry someone who can help you grow instead of receding. Question is what is better in the sight and infinite knowledge of God? I do know and understand that we are not to casr our pearls before swines else they’ll trample upon it ;Matthew 7:6. It is without argument that we are not be unequally yoked either.(2 Corinthians 6:14). So is the definition of  better just the next gal or guy “better” than your ex or???

 2. Because you are not ready or if you are , God is preparing your spouse who is not ready.

So for one, I know and understand God is not slow (1 Peter, God is not slow verse).If we really believe, he is not slow then why would he let one person be ready and the other not. I know you are saying; God is not a dictator and so he allows us as individuals to make our own choices. Yet, I ask, is it not God who works in us to both will and work for his good pleasure? ( Phillipians 2:13). So what’s the deal with you not being ready or your spouse not being ready? Some will say, character formation,spiritual growth, finances etc. To that, I’ll answer that many are married that you can attest to yourself that even as a single person,you have “better”(very subjective) character and spiritual maturity. Okay, I understand,that this probably is or can pose a problem to their marriage. Hence, the argument of you or your spouse not being ready is very “shaky”. This then leads to the “truth” that we don’t wait in our singleness for a man or a spouse but we wait on the LORD.

3.You are waiting for a spouse

The third point is the most heart wrenching humanistic foundation that has been laid.I was quite surprised when the LORD revealed to my spirit that we do not wait for someone or something. We wait for God, (Psalm 20:7). You are not waiting for a man to complete you or to make you whole. Yes, God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone. In Genesis 2:18, God said he’d create a helper not a savior. A man won’t fix your life if it’s in mess. Yes he is a helper and can help in certain ways and aspects; spiritually, financially, sexually and emotionally. Am I saying marriage is not good? A definite no! Did God institute it, does he endorse it as being between a man and a woman, does he honor it? Check ; Genesis 2:24, Hebrews 13:4 and 1 Timothy 4:3

Marriage is good but you are not to sit or go about waiting for a spouse. I have personally realized that whenever my focus shifts to this erroneous thought of waiting for a man;  I am easily presented with the temptation and   evil of restlessness of ; “how much longer’? “Is he the one”? all these create fertile grounds which look innocent in its initial stages but before long plunge you deep into sin.

You are waiting for God and his goodness. You are waiting on his promises and the revelation of who he is and has called you to be. Am I in any way saying; do not think about marriage or prepare for marriage. No! No! But your hope and trust  is to be in the LORD and not in man. So, what does the goodness of the LORD look like? It is unfathomable. He told Moses; his goodness was his glory .(Exodus 33:18-19). His glory, was that which made Moses’s face shine continuously. How does that translate into your own life? I have met single women who say they don’t believe they have being called to marriage. My reaction is one of surprise and awe as I probe further into their conviction. Surprised because; prior to these encounters, I had not thought of  the possibility of not being called to marriage. Awed because; I respect their commitment and belief that this is God’s will for their life. Thus, for one person; the goodness of the LORD will be expressed in marriage while it might not being for another.

I know you have a question for me. I’ll answer you. I don’t feel  or believe that I have being called to a life of single-hood. I believe marriage is part of God’s plan for my life. Whether that is today or tomorrow should not be my problem as I wait. If God can make and hold the stars,then he can hold your heart to trust and lean on him in all of your ways as you wait on him.

Are you ready to wait on God or human?

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